


Dear Lukas.

by dxwnworlder



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Coma, Cutting, Depression, F/M, Goodbyes, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Letters, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicide Attempt, shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:50:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8831083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dxwnworlder/pseuds/dxwnworlder
Summary: SORRY IF THERE'S A GRAMMAR ERROR. ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE, AND I DON'T LIVE IN AN ENGLISH SPEAKING COUNTRY.





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Lukas,

You got shot today. I'm outside in the waiting room. Your dad didn't let me come in, but.. Lukas, don't leave me. Its all my fault, I can't protect you, and all of this wouldn't happen if I took more care and see around. I'm scared, Lukas. I'm scared that I'm gonna lose you. Just wanna hug you right now. Love you. Hope your dad lets me in soon. He thought that.. You're not safe around me, which is kinda true. 

 

Lukas, please wake up and help me put this man on prison. 

\- Philip


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Lukas,

 

Second day. I didn't wanna come home, but Gabe keep asking me too. He's been a real blast. He's there for me. I don't know if I can hide this journal from Helen, but.. Lets just see. By the way, I hang the polaroids on my walls. You look gorgeous, man. I tried to stay away from my laptop cause I don't wanna see your motocross video. Fuck, I miss you. Today, Helen asked if I hide something from her. Lukas, I really wanna tell her that I was there too. I really wanna be honest with her. And Lukas, Helen sees our text. Didn't ask anything, but.. When you give your phone, she sees a text from me.

 

Fuck I love you. Wake up.

 

\- Philip


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Lukas, 

Went to see you. Lukas, I fucked up. I kissed you, and your dad saw me. I'm sorry. Oh Lukas? I cut today. Haven't done that in awhile, and.. I don't wanna go back to that shit so you better wake up and save me right now

\- Philip


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Lukas,

You can hate me when you're awake. I deserve it. Go be angry with me, but don't die. I don't mind listening to your yelling, man. Better than waiting for you here. At least I can see your beautiful eyes, when you do, thats all that matters. I love you, I miss you, please wake up. 

\- Philip


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Lukas,

Haven't see you in awhile. Not because I'm not allowed, but because I'm scared that you're gonna wake up and hate me. But thinking about it, Rick Anderton would be okay with it.. I think. He kissed me in public, for fuck sake. Gabe's asking me to see you. But I can't. Promise I'll come when I feel brave enough. Update on the scars, its fine. 

\- Philip


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IF THERE'S A GRAMMAR ERROR. ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE, AND I DON'T LIVE IN AN ENGLISH SPEAKING COUNTRY.

No, it haven't been better.

Philip's now in his room, crawled in the corner of the bathroom, holding a razor and the journal. He's crying, like crazy. He misses Lukas, he miss his touch, his beautiful eyes staring at him, and.. His smile. Yeah, thats the main thing he misses from Lukas. It scares him so much he might not survive this. It hurts him to see him like this. And.. Specially when he thought this is his fault. His fault he's there. He wasn't able to save him, and.. He's now here, fighting for his life because of him, and.. He just can't forgive himself for this. 

He also kissed him. Lukas' father sees him, and.. Philip knows that theres a chance he will hate him when he's awake. What if Lukas' dad didn't want Philip to see him ever again? Or what if Lukas' dad left him because of Philip? God, he wish Bo could say something. Just.. To calm Philip's mind. Philip sighed, as he slashed the razor to his arms. He shrieked in pain, but.. That pain is nothing to the pain in his heart right now. He didn't wanna live a life without Lukas. He just-- He wants the voices to stop. Philip cried. _God, it hurts_.

Suddenly, the door flew open, showing a shocked Helen. Fuck, why didn't he lock the door? Now she's gonna think that he's too much to handle and leave him. Helen runs, and take the bandage from the first aid kit in the bathroom. He can see her crying, as she cleans the blood from his hand. Helen's shirt is full of blood now, and.. Philip cried harder. She puts the bandage on his hands, and.. hugged him tight.. "I-I'm sorry, Helen."Philip sobbed.

"I know its been hard on you, Philip. And I'm sorry I've been-- I've been making it hard for you.. I-I'm sorry I can't be there for you. I-I'm sorry.."Helen cried. 

"No. I'm sorry I lied about my mom's ex boyfriend. I-I'm sorry I make everything hard on you guys. If I never came to Tivoli, things will be so much easier for you guys.. Im sorry about ruining you and Gabe's relationship. I know you guys have been fighting and.. You deserve so much better than me, Helen. Everyone that I'm close too get messed up--"

Helen stroked Philip's hair. "Hey.. No. None of this was your fault, Philip. Me and Gabe are doing fine, everyone fights sometimes in the relationship, and.. Its okay. There are no perfect relationships, and.. This is none of your fault. If you can't save him, than nobody else can. You heard me? None of this was your fault"

Philip nods. Helen hugged him again, letting him cry on her arms. He misses his mom so much, and.. This feels like coming home. He never know how motherly Helen is, and.. She just don't realize it. She don't need that coaching that she always listen to in the car, she don't need that. Maybe Helen can be a little nosy and annoying sometimes, but.. This shows how much she actually is a good mother. "Thanks Helen. Thanks for-- For letting me stay. After all of that stuffs--"

"No problem"Helen wipes his tears, "Hey, you know what? Lets get that Chinese food that you love. You need to clear your mind for a bit. Maybe we can take more polaroid pictures along the way? You like that? Gabe can come too.."

"Yeah. I'd like that."Philip smiles Helen helped him to get up, and they both walked to their rooms, to get changed. Before he entered the room, Philip took a last glance at her foster mother. "Hey, Helen?"

Helen turned. "Yeah?"

"I miss mom.."He told her, "It would be nice to see her."

"We can stop and see your mom if you want. You like that?"

"Yeah.."Philip walks into his room, excitedly. He changed into his favorite long sleeve outfit (he didn't want his mom to question about the scars), and wait for Helen. After Helen's ready, the three of jumped to the car and went to the city. Theres an awkward silence in the car. Five minutes in, Philip founds himself closing his eyes, sleeping. He never realized how tired he was until now.

Helen smiled when he sees him closing his eyes. She hoped, this gonna make him feel much better. Even she might not show it, she loved Philip so much. She didn't want him to ever leave the house, ever. She sighed. Gabe strokes Helen's hands. "Everything's gonna be okay."

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Lukas,

Met my mother today. She told me that she hoped you're feeling better. Lukas, I really wanna tell Helen and Gabe. Please wake up, so you can tell me if thats okay, cause really, I don't wanna do something you don't want me to do. And oh, Lukas? I just sneaked in to your hospital room. I needed to see you. You look perfect, sleeping beauty. Haven't moved yet, but.. Yeah. Bumped to your dad. Told me that you're stabile. Didn't say anything about the kiss, but I wish he'd say something. Wake up. I miss you.

\- Philip


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Lukas,

Couldn't manage to write anything. Meet my mom which is cool. You haven't wake up. Talk to Rose. She knew about us. Talk to Bo, he's fine. Just kinda shock, but fine. Lukas, everyone's fine with us. ~~Why can't you be fine with us? Why can't you be fine with me holding your hand or me being your friend? Are you ashamed of me? I love you. Did you love me too? Or everything was just a made up story 'cause you're sorry for me?~~

~~Lukas. I really want to hold your hand or speak to you at school. You don't have to say I'm your boyfriend (although I would love that), you can say that I'm your friend. Lukas, I wan't to be your friend. I guess I already am, but.. Fuck it. I love you. Forget that I ever wrote this.~~

I love you. Wake up. I'm starting to get lonely, and all I have with me is my phone. Wish that I'm gonna wake up from this nightmare. I wish this was all just a dream.

\- Philip


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Lukas,

Guess who's hospitalized too? Me! Finally we have matching outfits. Oh, its really hard to write with this stuffs hooking me up. Gabe haven't left my side which is cool. Miss you, wake up please. Lukas, I might not be able to visit you for the next weeks, so, I hope you wake up by then. I love you so fucking much, Lucas. Bye, baby! 

 

\- Philip


	10. Chapter 10

Lukas,

Sorry I lied about the scars. Its definitely not better.


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Lukas,

~~Fuck why am I  writing this its not like I'm gonna let him see this Its not like he's waking up its not like~~

I wanna die. Please wake up so you can save me.

\- Philip


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Lukas,

Therapy is shit. 

\- Philip


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7 chapters to go bitches!

Dear Lukas,

Sneak out to see you. Helen's not gonna be happy about this. Tried kissing you. Why are you not waking up? I thought true love kiss are supposed to wake up the Princess.

\- Philip


	14. Chapter 14

Lukas,

Stop by the barn today. Its gets kinda lonely without you here.

-Philip


	15. Chapter 15

Lukas, 

Told Helen that I was there in the cabin. Im so fucking sorry.

-Philip


	16. Chapter 16

~~Why does it feels colder than usual?~~

~~Why does it feels good to have a blade on your skin?~~

~~Why does it feels so good not to be alive for a bit?~~

~~Lukas wake up~~

~~Lukas I haven't told you how much you mean to me~~

~~Lukas I~~

~~Lukas I'm drowning~~

~~Lukas I love you~~

Lukas, Im scared. ~~Now, I find cutting calming.~~ ~~Yep, it haven't gone better, and I don't like that.~~

\- Philip


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 MOREE

Lukas,

I ran.

\- Philip

Lukas, 

Its scary.

\- Philip

Lukas, 

Heard Helen's on search party.

\- Philip

Lukas, 

I miss Helen, but I don't wanna think about it again

\- Philip

Lukas, 

Went to the hospital. Say my goodbyes. Leaving this journal with you. I--- Fuck please don't open it.

\- Philip


	18. Chapter 18

_Dear Philip,_

_They found a body. Helen told me that you got shot by him, and she told me you're trying to commit suicide anyway. Why? Why Philip? Why do you leave me? Why do you leave Anne, Why do you leave Gabe, Helen? I love you, Philip, I hate the thought that I will never be able to say that to you. I know you send Helen a letter, telling her what the killer looks like. I love you, and I wish this all was just a dream, I wish I could go back to my coma and just-- I dont wanna live without you. Philip, I don't know how to move on. I fucking miss you. Today is your funeral day. Its crazy. Haven't stop crying. I don't care anymore, I just want you, baby. My father said that I should let you go, but I can't Philip Shea, you're my heart, my soul, and when you leave.. A piece of me die with you._

_They're taking me away from Tivoli. I don't wanna live Tivoli, babe. This is our place, and I wanna be here. I wanna be here forever. Even if it hurts, I will always wanna be here. Im supposed to write you an Eulogy, but.. I can't write one word. So I'm just gonna quote The Fault In Our Stars. Philip, you're my Augustus Waters.. You make me happy, and... Fuck. Please wake up. I love you._

_\- Lukas_


	19. Chapter 19

_Dear Philip,_

_Miss you lots. Went to the barn. I hate Ryan for killing you. I hate myself for not being able to save you. Done a lot of therapy but nothing can save me, Philip. People look at me like I'm a fucking freak. I hate that. We're still living Tivoli. Met Helen and Gabe. They're not doing any better, Philip. I love you Philip. I love you and I wanna marry you and Why can't I say that when you're here? I wish this all was just a dream._

_\- Lukas_


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Philip,

~~I don't know why I write this. Exactly this day, its been a year since you're gone. It still feels like a dream to me. I know you wont read this note, cause you're in another dimension, but its okay. Philip, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts.  Philip, I don't know if I'm ever gonna be happy again. I'm scared, that I will never be happy again. I wish I could've saved you, I wish I could've... Its should have been me who died, not you. I don't wanna~~

See you on the other side.

 ~~-~~ Lukas


End file.
